who cares... whatever...

Walk With Me...

2005-09-29T10:55:00.000+08:00

To Sons and Daughters:

Walk with me
To see the world in all its wonders
To see the colors of life in my eyes
For I will not be here forever
But even so
I hope you fulfill your dreams
I hope you continue the walk
With the memories that we still share
With the love that we still feel
For I to see the colors of life through your eyes

....dedicated to rakshademon...

I Don't Need...

2005-09-21T22:27:00.000+08:00

I don’t need your hatred
I don’t need your grieve
I don’t need your pity
I don’t need your lie
I don’t need your opinion
I don’t need your rule
I don’t need your manipulation
I don’t need your advice
I don’t need your negation
I don’t need your condemnation
I don’t need your sadness
I don’t need your agreement
I don’t need your vanity
I don’t need your war
I don’t need your stupidity
I don’t need your anger
I don’t need your rebuke
I don’t need your humiliation
I don’t need your pain
I don’t need your loneliness
I don’t need your burden
I don’t need your alienation
I don’t need your procrastination
I don’t need your hypocrisy
I don’t need your perversity
I don’t need your corruption
I don’t need your damnation
I don’t need your empathy
I don’t need your liberation
I don’t need your enticement
I don’t need your anxiety
I don’t need your failure
I don’t need your guilt
I don’t need your judgment
I don’t need you!

Coldfire...

2005-09-15T22:52:00.000+08:00

When are you going to face your inner fear? Or do you not realize what your inner fear is? Or do you just turn a blind eye to it? With so many going on around us, have we lost ourselves?
I have always been afraid of making a commitment, saying “I do”. Afraid that I will not be able to keep my words because somehow I know and I have to face it now, that I am not capable of spending the rest of my life with someone, at least for a time being. And I am afraid of being vulnerable and love someone completely. I know I have been holding back myself subconsciously ever since I lost that vulnerability. I have been hunting high and low but to what end, I do not know. I was afraid of facing the truth that I am not faithful enough to make that kind of commitment but now, tonight, I am going to face it head on. It is so fucking hard to do so because I have always stupidly believed that I am completely faithful. But when it comes to marriage, I tend to run away. I am afraid of divorcing, afraid of losing my freedom, afraid of all the challenges a couple will have to go through, afraid of handling her emotional states, afraid of not able to fulfill all her needs, afraid of giving in too much, afraid of realizing that real love is not what I think it is, afraid of losing her one day, afraid of realizing that she is not the one that I really need, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of losing my temper on her when things go wrong, afraid of raising a family wrongly, afraid of dying before them and most of all, afraid of a dying love.
There! I have said it all. Being single now is blessed in disguise. Only now that I have really searched deep in my heart and soul of whom I truly am. Only now that I have known what kind of life that I truly want. Only now that I have known that I have been so wrong.
I am getting tired of finding answers to the meaning of life. Life is my creation. Before I create, I will not be able to find the meaning. If I never create, I will never find the meaning. If my life is completed one day, I will know then that I have also completed other lives.

What do I believe now? I believe the world will go on. I believe people change. I believe our soul is all that we really got. I believe love is blessed and not found. I believe nature loves us. I believe I lie to myself more than I lie to anyone else in my whole life. I believe the truth is the other side of lie. I believe I can reach out and touch someone without being there. I believe peace in mind and peace in soul are different. I believe people fear and dislike or hate their kind. I believe in some mysterious ways that stability is balanced by instability. I believe words are confining our minds. Most of all, I believe I will be just fine and fulfill all my wishes in life because I appreciate what life has given to me (what I have given to myself).

LUCK!

2005-09-12T21:58:00.000+08:00

I had a very lousy Sunday but I hope you had a wonderful one. I was supposed to bring Mike (a good friend of mine) and his wife to Changi airport in the afternoon (you see, they just got married not long ago and now they were leaving for New Zealand for honeymoon), which was supposed to be a fucking easy job. I started off at two in the afternoon but half way to their house, I remembered that I didn’t have my passport with me. So I had to turn back and picked up the damn passport. I was driving like mad because the time was running out. Then I reached a fucking junction which has been closed off for re-construction work. Fuck! No choice, I had to find another way through that fucking piled up. I was really pissed then. When I reached their house, shit bird dropped its shitty liquefied shit on my head! Arrrggghhh! What a fucking lousy day! Mike joked that I was about to get rich. Rich?! My head, rich! By the time we started the journey, it was already 3:30pm. Once we reached the City Square (which is close to the checkpoint), we were immediately stuck in a massive traffic fucking jam. Oh no shit, we only had one and a half hour to reach the airport. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Everybody was getting anxious. Stupid fuckers, why can’t they build another causeway?! They rather spend millions in other stupid stuff, I guess! That was not all. Half way through the bridge, a fucking Cefiro cut into our lane without seeing us there, and bang! I was about to blow up then. The right side of the rear bumper was scratched for about a foot long. GGGRRRR!!!!! I looked up and stared at the driver…. He was making all kinds of gesture with his hands, and they all did not register at all in my mind then. Turned my eyes towards his passenger, a woman, I guess she’s his fucking wife or something… she jerked back (?!) like seeing a ghost! I guess at that time I must be looking like a devil. People always said that I have a fearsome and intense look when I pissed off (I was raging then, ready to kill someone), and I guess that lady just confirmed it. I didn’t even ask for any compensation. After a short while, I wondered why I didn’t do that. Maybe it was because we were still in the fucking jam and time was running out for Mike. Mike’s wife kept apologizing but what the heck, it wasn’t her fault. I told her that it was alright. Mike was even funnier. He told me to claim him! They felt guilty, I guess. The funny thing is once I was back in Malaysia I didn’t feel any rage at all. I was kind of looking forward to get back home and gave my dog a massage. Shit, he’s sick. Poor doggy! :( I have been giving him massage everyday since he’s sick.
Things could get any worse? I really don’t know but I guess I am ok. The bird shit didn’t stink and the car bumper only got a scratch. What a fucking life! Sunday afternoon… I should be having my afternoon nap but then I guess that’s what friends are for. They ask your help when they are in such need and share happy happy time with you whenever possible. Mike has helped me a lot in the past and I guess that’s the least I can do to repay his kindness.
Hey, I deserve more. God I really deserve more. Beside that devilish look when I pissed off, I am a kind person :)… fun to have around once you gain my trust, and I am loyal to my friends. Well, only those that I think worth my loyalty.
Why the fuck didn’t I strike a lottery? I need money, money, money! And woman, woman, woman! Hahaha…. I must be getting crazy. It doesn’t matter. I have a strong feeling that I’m going to strike. Big one this time! Yeah, big one… God is going to answer my prayer this time, and He thinks I deserve it too…
Give me $500K and I will build a house where I can see sunset every evening and feel the breeze everyday. It’s so stuffy living in a terrace house. Then I am going to build a fucking big doghouse for my dog, and get another dog to keep him company. After that, give a big treat to my family and close friends. What else? Fucking buy all the stuff that she wants! Make crazy love to her in my paradise garden under the stars. Err… have children? Oh fuck me! Think $500K a lot har?! Ok, stop dreaming. But I am going to strike!

Day In Day Out

2005-09-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

A colleague (a 22 year old girl) showed me a rejected part this morning, telling me that there is something inside the rubber tube (which is supposed to be clear of any shit). Well, I took the part from her, and then she started to gesture: with her left hand forming a circle (like an OK sign), and with her right index finger poked into the circle and wriggled. Looking at that gesture, I couldn’t help LMAO! She looked at me one kind like I’ve gone nuts. LOL. I asked her to do that again, and only then she realized that she has just shown a ‘FUCK’ gesture/sign to me. HAHAHA! Punched me in the arms…Ouchhh… Wah lao! Early early morning, show me THAT, no shame ar you! HAHAHA!
I have 3 more obscene gestures that I know of:
1) Make a fist with one hand and smack the thumb part with the other hand.
2) Put your thumb through your fist.
3) Thrust your middle finger up.

Who the hell invented all these gestures? Is there any more? I would really like to know what other gestures are considered obscene in other countries. Might as well know a few, just in case I travel one day. I wouldn’t want to piss its citizens off in a foreign country, would I? Yeah, don’t want to be like Mr. Bean…. LOL!

Be honest, without referring to anything and anyone, and without taking your eyes off the screen, try answering these questions right here right now:

1) Which direction is the fan rotating?
2) Is the traffic green light on the top or bottom?
3) Which side is the red (ON) indicator located next to the switch to an air-conditioner or water heater? Left or right?
4) How do you switch off the main power of a building? Flip it downward or upward?
5) How many keys are there on a mobile phone that doesn’t have alphabets on them?
6) Where is the asterisk (*) located on the phone key pad? Bottom left or right?
7) What is printed on the upper left corner on the front of a ten ringgit note?
8) Which hand of the statue of liberty is holding the torch?
9) What is the orientation of the slash on the No Smoking sign?
10) What is the symbol of ‘tab’ key on your keyboard?
11) How many colors are there in the logo of Microsoft Windows?
12) What are the words below your picture on your MyKad?
13) What is the symbol for fog?
14) How many arrows are imprinted on a diskette?
15) How many nuts are screwed to your car wheel?

Can you get it all right? Honestly, I couldn’t. Hehehe……

Some Facts You Should Know

2005-09-08T15:26:00.000+08:00

You might have known these or some of these facts. Got this from a friend and just want to share, that's all:

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
38. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
39. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
40. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
41. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
42. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
43. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
44. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
45. There are mo re chickens than people in the world.
46. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
47. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
48. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".
49. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

TAKING CHANCES, MAKING CHANCES

2005-09-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

Lecturer Charles Hobbs sometimes tells about a woman who lived in London over a century ago. She saved what little money she could working as a scullery maid and used it one evening to hear a great speaker of her day. His speech moved her deeply and she waited to visit with him afterward. "How fine it must be to have had the opportunities you have had in life," she said. "My dear lady," he replied, "Have you never received an opportunity?" "Not me. I have never had a chance," she said. "What do you do?" the speaker asked. She answered, "I peel onions and potatoes in my sister's boarding house." "How long have you been doing this?" he pursued. "Fifteen miserable years!" "And where do you sit?" he continued. "Why, on the bottom step in the kitchen." She looked puzzled. "And where do you put your feet?" "On the floor," she answered, more puzzled. "What is the floor?" "It is glazed brick." Then he said, "My dear lady, I will give you an assignment today. I want you to write me a letter about the brick." Against her protests about being a poor writer, he made her promise to complete the assignment. The next day, as she sat down to peel onions, she gazed at the brick floor. That evening she pulled one loose, took it to a brick factory and asked the owner to explain to her how bricks were made. Still not satisfied, she went to a library and found a book on bricks. She learned that 120 different kinds of brick and tile were being produced in England at the time. She discovered how clay beds, which existed for millions of years, were formed. Her research captivated her imagination and she spent every spare moment learning more. She returned to the library night after night and this woman, who never had a chance, gradually began to climb the steps of knowledge. After months of study, she set out to write her letter as promised. She sent a 36-page document about the brick in her kitchen and, to her surprise, she received a letter back. Enclosed was payment for her research. He had published her letter! And along with the money came a new assignment -- this time he asked her to write about what she found underneath the brick. For the first time in her life she could hardly wait to get back to the kitchen! She pulled up the brick and there was an ant. She held it in her hand and examined it. That evening, she hurried back to the library to study ants. She learned that there were hundreds of different kinds of ants. Some were so small they could stand on the head of a pin; while others were so large one could feel the weight of them in one's hand. She started her own ant colony and examined ants underneath a lens. Several months later she wrote her findings in a 350-page "letter." It, too, was eventually published. She soon quit her kitchen job to take up writing. Before she died, she had traveled to the lands of her dreams and had experienced more than she ever imagined possible! This is the woman who had never had a chance. Some people wait for opportunity to come knocking. Here is a person who sought it out, proving again that we can be more than victims of mere circumstance. If given a chance, will you take it? If given no chance, can you make one?

From Steve Goodier's RICHES OF THE HEART

Random Thoughts

2005-09-07T13:40:00.000+08:00

It’s one of those nights again when I am feeling blue. Maybe it’s George Michael’s ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’, or maybe it’s my dog which is not feeling well. Or maybe I’m just feeling blue. Shit… ever wonder why a song can affect your emotion so profoundly? I still remember a song by Cranberries,‘Linger’ and a song by Take That, ‘Babe’ (if I’m not wrong). These two songs are still my favorite even though I don’t have these two songs with me now. U2’s ‘Stay (Faraway, So Close)’ is one of those that I won’t get tired of listening to. Set to repeat mode and rock away. Hell, I don’t even really understand what it’s all about. If you ever know this song, care to explain it to this poor fucker? I don’t know why I love this rock band very much. I have been buying/collecting their albums through the years and almost can sing every song without lyrics in my hand(s). Now, why am I talking about songs?! My mind really knows how to wander off.

If you ever have the opportunity to trap your mind, in which/what moment you’re going to trap it? I used to day dreaming a lot but as I grow up, the chance of doing so is getting less to nil. Everyone seems to demand your time non-stop. How much time do you think you have to reflect upon your life, just for today? I don’t know. It’s amazing how forgetful I am. I can’t even remember how I feel this morning. One of the colleagues asked me why I was so quiet today and I didn’t know how to answer. Just don’t want to talk. But to them, I’m like the end of the world. Maybe it’s because of the look on my face – stern and cold – ready to snap somebody’s head off! Normally I’ll joke with them no matter how stress work can be but not today. But when I’m this quiet, nobody dares to talk to me… heck… even my boss find it scary. But work is still work. Sigh…. Force myself to brighten up in the afternoon and suddenly, everything seems back to normal. People started to joke with you, made sarcastic remarks, which I don’t mind at all. All is well.

Ate moon cake this afternoon and the durian flavor really suck! Still like the original flavor (I don’t know what they call it). Time flies!

One sales person said something like this: customer paid for our salaries! What the fuck does it mean? If customer pays for our salaries, then in turn who pay the customer? Consumers, right? And who’re the consumers? Us! So if we follow, no… take a step further (huh?) from his train of thought, we’ll be the one who’s paying the salaries. Man, doesn’t it feel good?! So it’s a circle. It’s circle everywhere…. I may have some prejudice about this sales person but fuck it, I think my company is paying for our salaries. Still, we need to be objective: customer is not doubt very important to a company and whatever customers’ requirement is, we will fulfill it as long as it is within our capability. Along the way, we are trying to improve ourselves, increase our capacity, efficiency and blah blah blah…. Technology sucks! With all this improvement, people still suffer. I guess it’s human nature to self-destruct. Strictly speaking, is life getting any better? If your mind fucked up, then that’s that. Your whole life fucked up. Eh… I’m being negative, am I? What does it mean of being negative? What does it mean of being realistic? If negative is reality, how should one see it? It’s not that I can’t see the silver lining behind (or in?) the clouds, but lets supposed that negative IS reality, how should we handle ourselves? Crazy thoughts!

God, I miss her so much! A dream took me back to her. Shit! This is not good. How many people out there are going through the same thing? Hehehe… I guess I am not alone. Minishort posted a question to guys out there: what are you looking for in a woman? I never comment because I’m still not sure. Definitely someone with a look that I can tolerate with (LOL). Characters? Scratching my head and balls… Why bother? Do you think you will be with someone who fits all the criteria? As for me, I can be attracted to all kinds of women. Everyone is unique. So why the hell still so many people setting criteria for it? Scratching my head and balls again! Well, you might say different people take it differently. I agree and I am not criticizing anyone here. Just a thought.

Ever come across a woman who stick to her husband even though he cheats on her (and she knows about it), beat her up and that sorta crap. Now, the first remark made by people is like; is she crazy?! Why is she so stupid?! When you asked that woman, all she said is that she can’t let go, she loves him too much. *blink blink* and somehow when he showers her with love once in a while, she feels blessed. *blink (x5)* After listening to what she said, can you still say that she’s crazy or stupid? Probably you will, but that’s how she wants it. What can you do? Hope that her husband knocks himself out one day and come to his senses, and wish her all the happiness that she deserves. Shit! Bloody sad case.

Harmless affection turns into fatal attraction. How truth is that, huh?

I want to take a pee…. Hold, please…

Some psycho-maniac shit:

…I am beginning to understand that I’m not always the nice guy. Not naturally. I was just trying to blend in like ice blended mocha, just trying to blend in…. I have neglected my own feelings, my own needs… because I’m afraid… I’m afraid that the real me will not be accepted by you….
….I have been repressing my feelings for so long and at the same time I thought that I have control of what I feel but the truth is how could I possibly control what I’m feeling? I am just repressing them to the point that I feel numb sometimes…
…alone inside my heart… these are not healthy! These are not what I want for life. I need to feel free. I need to feel alive….
…I hate my life but for the peacefulness which isn’t real because deep down inside I’m struggling. I am trying to be a part of everyone else’s lives, trying to be a part of you. In the end I might be losing you even if I try so hard. I just wanted to be me, myself again. Trying to be a really nice guy but with some defects, for I am not perfect. I’m beginning to let go… let go of control, let go of my delusional control, let go of myself and be myself. I wish God is showing me the way to be a real man, not a child, a real mature man who can protect you, take care of you, comfort you, bring you happiness, real happiness...
…I hope that you can grow with me. I nurture you and you nurture me. Let’s complete each other if you are willing. You don’t know how much pain you’ve caused me when you disapproved of what I do or what I don’t. I feel rejected and I feel shame. I need your support, your love and your time to live... I’m still a child emotionally, I think but like you, I can be very logical, rational and objective even to the point of being misunderstood as being a cold blooded animal. Is it okay? I don’t know. I do know one thing though: I need you to accept who I am, not who I can be because who I can be is determined by both of us. Just like who you can be…. You can be free, really free if you learn to let go just like I do. Learn to accept the pain you feel inside. Learn to let it grow and mature and then die. Learn to accept your loses, grieve over them and let go… not for the past, not for the future but just for your soul and mine…
…Forever there’s a hole in our relationship and only you can fill it up. I’ll do my part too. I’ll be supportive… let you lean on if you will. I’ll stand by you even if the world comes apart. Let him go, and let me in because I need your heart to hide within. I want to be strong, I want to be weak too if you are willing… I want to be your man and your child at the same time, I want to be your everything, I want to be able to feel your touch, and I want to be the one that you need. I don’t know whether I am right about this, but I could not possibly care neither could I able to control what I really want. I want to share everything with you and I want you to do the same too. I want to give you unconditional love and I hope I can do it….. With your help, I can. With your love, I can. If your love is true, I feel like I can almost do anything except to leave you...
…please know that I’ll be strong, I’ll go on because I’ve learn to know my pain and anger… and it’s alright to feel pain and be angry because I am a human with a heart, and it doesn’t mean that I am weak even if I cry like a baby. Please know that you will always be special in my heart because without you, I wouldn’t have written this confession. Thank you my love, my angel, my devil, my dear………

Huh? Told you it’s something maniacal…

I will promise you all my life…
But to lose you would cut like a knife…
So I don’t dare… no, I don’t dare…!

Drunk

2005-09-04T02:34:00.000+08:00

Have been reading blogs for the past few days; there’s minshorts, fuckstress, vanadium (who never seems to update his blog), bunnywunny, Elaine and a new one – Me (not me as me – arrgghh… nevermind).

There is this post regarding some sick suckers from south in minishort’s blog. I don’t know the whole story (and I don’t care) but from what I gathered, they are criticizing our country. I know my country is not perfect, but who the fuck do they think they are. If there’s one word to describe them, then it’s ‘immature’. I think they must have misplaced their asses. If they want war, I’ll wage war! (now I am being immature, am I?). We got no rights to criticize any other country in this world. No rights at all. Country isn’t just government or one fucking leader. It has people, cultures, animals, plants and everything that goes with it. Those suckers! I don’t know why I feel angry (normally I don’t give a shit). Maybe it’s the national day. Maybe I’m just drunk…
If some stupid fuckers wage war on Malaysia, I’ll join the army and defend my country without any hesitation. To protect civilians, friends, families, loved ones, you and everything that’s Malaysia. I am sure that’s a lot of people who share my sentiment. As for the men/women (as in civilian), will you stop your man/woman from joining the army if there’s war? Will you able to support your man/woman all the way, or give up on him/her? Will you able to let go of your children? War is such a terrible thing! But somehow I understand why we take up arms and defend our country because it’s our HOME. Just like your own house/home where you grew up. IT IS NOT SELFISH FOR THE RIGHT REASON.

Minishorts, fuckstress and Elaine are blogging in Bahasa Malaysia on national day (must visit their blogs for those who haven't do so). The posts are so hilarious.

Pause….

A MSN messaging (with typo and all):

coldfire says:
no celebration?
Bunnywunny says:
you done alreay meh?
coldfire says:
no
Bunnywunny says:
Well got invited to a karaoke
coldfire says:
didnt go?
Bunnywunny says:
but turned it down cos had to chat with anonther friend who had girl problem
coldfire says:
guy or girl?
Bunnywunny says:
by the time i finished dinner with my ex-colleague, it was already 10.30pm
Bunnywunny says:
anyway, friends more important than karaoke.
Bunnywunny says:
Male friend had girl problem.
coldfire says:
lol
coldfire says:
who doesnt
Bunnywunny says:
hehe
coldfire says:
bang!!!!
Bunnywunny says:
so how come got recess break from blogging ah?
coldfire says:
fireworks! dun know how to carry on. thk haf to get drunk abit tis nite
Bunnywunny says:
is that the only way to get inspired?
coldfire says:
yeah, brain gets xtra active when i'm high
Bunnywunny says:
then go get some drinks lah
coldfire says:
got alot with me here, can drink senseless
coldfire says:
we are supposed in a party mood
Bunnywunny says:
and ...?
coldfire says:
not me
Bunnywunny says:
you can party any day lah.
Bunnywunny says:
dont have to wait for the right occasion
coldfire says:
no, i mean celebrate national day. no matter what, we r malaysian
Bunnywunny says:
well don't we all?
coldfire says:
i luv tis country eventhough it's far from perfect
Bunnywunny says:
oh .
Bunnywunny says:
No place like Malaysia
coldfire says:
yeah
coldfire says:
i guess the same goes to family and frens
Bunnywunny says:
yup. where is your fammily, by the way?
coldfire says:
hometown
Bunnywunny says:
ok i'm confused. Johor right?
coldfire says:
but 1 hr away fro JB
coldfire says:
beautiful fireworks i bet
coldfire says:
wht the hell are we doing here? we should go out and join the crowd, no drinks, no karaoke, no disco. just celebrate with all kinds of races here in malaysia and celebrate
Bunnywunny says:
aiya
Bunnywunny says:
don't be so materialistic.
Bunnywunny says:
happiness and celebration can take place in your heart lah
coldfire says:
huh?
coldfire says:
materialistic?
Bunnywunny says:
I just had a very nice dinner with an old friend, and talked for hours on stuff that really matters
coldfire says:
like what?
Bunnywunny says:
Yes. I think you are too conscious about what people think of you.
coldfire says:
hmm…
coldfire says:
maybe
Bunnywunny says:
you feel that you need to fulfill certain expectations
Bunnywunny says:
like on Merdeka, we OUGHT to be out there doing this and that.
coldfire says:
nah...
Bunnywunny says:
Whhy bother? If you want to go, you go. If you don't want to, then don't
coldfire says:
dun get me wrong
coldfire says:
i just thk tht we should celebrate tis day in a national way
coldfire says:
wht am i talking abt
coldfire says:
nvm. so wht did u both talk abt?
Bunnywunny says:
ah there. Again
Bunnywunny says:
you say "We should...."
Bunnywunny says:
These rules are man-made.
coldfire says:
wht is no man-made?
coldfire says:
not…i mean
Bunnywunny says:
what do you mean?
coldfire says:
wht is not man-made?
Bunnywunny says:
ok let me think
Bunnywunny says:
or not. I'm lazy to debate.
coldfire says:
nature for one thing
coldfire says:
lol
Bunnywunny says:
sorry ah.
coldfire says:
ok, lets stop debating
Bunnywunny says:
Brain also turning to mush after a hectic day
coldfire says:
wht haf u been doing?
Bunnywunny says:
this morning, doing my article stuff.
Bunnywunny says:
went for a walk
coldfire says:
and?
Bunnywunny says:
evening, had an intense chitcchat with my ex colleague
Bunnywunny says:
just now, helped a good friend troubleshoot his relationship problems
coldfire says:
do guys always go to girls when they have tis kinda problem?
Bunnywunny says:
i don't know.
Bunnywunny says:
I get this rom guys and girls
coldfire says:
rom?
Bunnywunny says:
from sorry typo
coldfire says:
hmm… guess i am a weirdo, seldom talk tis stuff with opposite sex, guess tht's why i am still fail in relationship. i mean i should have seek girls' opinions huh.
coldfire says:
gee getting a bit high liao
Bunnywunny says:
you drinking meh?
coldfire says:
yeah
Bunnywunny says:
drinking what?
coldfire says:
beer
coldfire says:
i got some liquor too but not today la
coldfire says:
u drink at home?
Bunnywunny says:
actually i don't drink at all
coldfire says:
i was just abt to say tht
Bunnywunny says:
i don't mind people drinking but i can't handle alcohol's taste and smell.
coldfire says:
i got piss drunk when the second bottle hit
coldfire says:
not a good drinker also
Bunnywunny says:
orh i could have been wrong. From what you told me, got the impression of a drinker
coldfire says:
hmm… i always give the wrong impression huh?
coldfire says:
u blogging?
Bunnywunny says:
well.
Bunnywunny says:
i think someteimes you talk without thinking things through
Bunnywunny says:
i am juggling a number of things.
Bunnywunny says:
what about you?
coldfire says:
msg u. do u really thk tht we should thk things thru before we say such trivial stuff? i mean i dun mind wht ppl thk cos i thk true happiness comes from within. not tht i can be a jerk and be happy but i am just the way i am.
Bunnywunny says:
well when our words have a potential of hurting people, yes we should think things through.
Bunnywunny says:
i realised this after my words got me into trouble a few times
Bunnywunny says:
but thanks.. i am happy that you're comfortable enough to be quite open with your thoughts with me
coldfire says:
hey, frens right? i can be as honest as can be, but u r right when the things tht we say hurt other ppl, we really should shut up.
Bunnywunny says:
**unrelated** got breakfast appointment liao
Bunnywunny says:
exactly.
coldfire says:
bz with appointments…
Bunnywunny says:
At the risk of sounding arrogant, i see you at a point where i was a while back. Saying everything that comes to mind uncensored, irregardless of the cocnsequences.
Bunnywunny says:
We can do that with trustable friends, but not with everyone.
coldfire says:
i always wear tht blank look on my face, remember? no, i am not tht straightforward with everybody but i thk i can trust u
Bunnywunny says:
thank you ***bows***
Bunnywunny says:
so what makes you think you can trust me?
coldfire says:
gut feeling. i always trust my gut feelings
Bunnywunny says:
easy answer
coldfire says:
life is hard enuf, why complicate things, right?
Bunnywunny says:
righty ho, as our dear friend Carlsi would say
coldfire says:
really? i dun know he has tht in him…
coldfire says:
getting real high now
Bunnywunny says:
got leh, amongst other funny exclamations like "aiseh"
Bunnywunny says:
wah piang
coldfire says:
and chiew
Bunnywunny says:
LOL ya ya
coldfire says:
he's been through alot lets hope tht he knows wht he wants for life now
Bunnywunny says:
cracks me up
Bunnywunny says:
I know. I'm glad SHE is there now
Bunnywunny says:
I met her you know?
coldfire says:
u should
Bunnywunny says:
She seems grounded enough to anchor him
coldfire says:
she's ur best fren's gf
coldfire says:
lucky him
coldfire says:
poor us
coldfire says:
nah poor me
Bunnywunny says:
oh why is that?
Bunnywunny says:
oh come on...***pat pat***
Bunnywunny says:
When was the last time you dated?
coldfire says:
almost three years ago
Bunnywunny says:
and since then?
coldfire says:
after tht, it's all touch and go , and work and frens something like tht
Bunnywunny says:
hmm. how come?
coldfire says:
dun know. u remember the post 'she'? i thk she was the one that i really give my heart completely
Bunnywunny says:
have you only ever fallen for only one girl?
coldfire says:
no, but i just dun know wht love is now. maybe i'll find it again someday and i have faith in tht
Bunnywunny says:
it is a spontaneous combustion of the mind and body and heart
Bunnywunny says:
soul
Bunnywunny says:
cos heaert is inside body
coldfire says:
wht is real love? u wanna see miracle or perfect? well, look for those couple who is really in love with each other…really really in love, unconditionally in love
Bunnywunny says:
i don't think i'm an authority, but i think i've been through enough to recognise when I am in love wiht annother person and vice versa.
coldfire says:
everybody has their own definition of love i dun know abt ur definition of love but i guess none of us have the right to judge
coldfire says:
when u r in love, u r in love… regardless of what happen next
Bunnywunny says:
exactly.
coldfire says:
hey, can i put tis conversation in my blog?
Bunnywunny says:
err?? which part?
coldfire says:
i dun know where the hell i come out with all those words
Bunnywunny says:
let me scroll up and see if got anything incriminating first
coldfire says:
haha
Bunnywunny says:
can can
Bunnywunny says:
but i think you should remove HER NAME
coldfire says:
ok
coldfire says:
inspired by u again!

Play…

Supposed to finish this blog on national day but after the messages above, I got real pissed drunk. Couldn’t go on. Damn. I find it so fucking hard to blog in my home sometimes. Maybe because I’m making my home too comfortable, my mind just go to sleep mode. Can’t think of anything.

Read through fuckstress’s post today. She’s at a crossroad, no, a T-junction at the moment, doesn’t know which path she should take in her career. I sympathize. I was once at the same junction. I made my decision 4 years ago, and another a year after that. I still don’t know if I have made the right choices, but somehow I have landed where I am now. Single, a house of my own, a car and cutie dog, and a bunch of close friends, who I can share almost everything. Sometimes I wonder what if I choose to stay at the old workplace. Will everything be the same as today, now, at this hour? Will I be married by now? Damn! Sometimes our mind really knows how to torture ourselves. Just like fuckstress now. Wanted to tell her what I think but will she listen? I commented once regarding her situation but I guess I just added one more opinion to all those that got to her. Now? She must be getting real crazy about making a decision because all her blogging friends commented differently. Should I tell her this:
Sit back, relax, breathe deeply for a few times, let your mind go, don’t focus on anything, and when you are ready, ask yourself this question, “Do I want to leave this working place?” The first answer that comes to your mind is the correct one. Just follow the damn sign!

Now, about this ‘Me’. Her blog is real deep and she’s only in her early twenties. Hard to believe. While most of the young people thinking about how to get this and that, she has been thinking about life… Nah, I shouldn’t judge like this. Maybe getting this and that is what life all about to other people. Maybe that’s the way she is… she’s even deeper than me. Salute!!!! Just getting to know her, well, not exactly, just starting to visit her blog. I wonder if we can know somebody well through what and how they’ve write. Like fuckstress, is she an Aries??? I don’t want to sound idiotic here but for all I know, only Aries bitch like that… LOL! Fuck me! So bad (I am always bad, full of shit! LOL).

I have been quite busy these few days so I couldn’t get this post on my blog until today. Yeah, man! Finally, I have a quiet Friday. Bunnywunny must be wondering why my post hasn’t ON yet. Sorry, dear. Life is getting hectic, with all the stuff that I have to prepare to shift the whole fucking factory to a new place.

Vanadium asked me today, what post I am holding now? And I said I don’t know. I am in charge of production, engineering, maintenance, store and half way through quality, but not sales. So what the fuck am I? High paid office boy? Chiew! That’s his response. LOL. Sometimes, we just have to close one eye to go through all that shit that your company is putting you through, but in the end, I guess it’s worth it! I’m getting promoted! Hooray!!!! ****smack!!!**** get back to earth! Well, the pay is okay, and I have quite a lot of authority here, and people love me, people hate me but what the heck, I guess it’s okay to continue working. Small factory and all, but we are expanding. That’s something you have to experience to know how it feels like. Middle level management, the most difficult position in the whole fucking company. You are torn between your superior and your subordinates. I have always been a hands-on person, so I know the difficulties at the lower level but I am also a part of the management (who don’t give a shit about what people feel, all they care is high profit and low production cost). Therefore it’s my fucking job to keep both sides happy. Happy my arse!!!! Like I got all the right answers, all the solutions, all the magic, superman, spiderman, and all that fucking shit, which in reality, I am not… I’m just an ordinary fucker who got through most of the difficult times. I keep fucking up and I’ll continue to do so. Good lesson is hard lesson and hard lesson is hard to come by. It’s so fucking tired sometimes that you have to be that and be this in order to keep your people straight and your boss happy… what the hell is life for? Well, that was me just a few months ago. Now, I’ve learn to let go a lot of things, and surprisingly, things get better. I think it was my attitude. So what happen now? Hahaha... boss asking for my opinions, and my staff starts self-organizing. Wowee!!! I can just sit back and relax! ****SMACK**** GET BACK DOWN TO EARTH! (Erlerr… daydream also cannot meh??? ). Well, still got to work, still got to keep my boss happy, keep my staff in a straight line which is supposed to be parallel with the company’s direction, but somehow company’s direction is lost along the way down through all the bureaucratic shits.

Later I will go out and get drunk. Not because I am full of despairing shit but just want to get drunk…. Hehehe… my friend is driving. Don’t give a shit anyway. Hey, have you ever get real real real drunk at home alone? It is fucking fun, man… you can cry your heart out and laugh your head off…. Errr… maybe I was despaired then. But it just felt so fucking great. I felt like I have lost thousands of burdens after that. Is this healthy? Maybe it’s not, for my body but for my mind? I guess somehow it helped.

From time to time…
I found that I’ve lost the meaning….
Tonight I think I’ll walk alone…
Find my soul as I go home….

And I never met anyone quite like you before….

Up… down… tonight….
Please don’t let me hit the ground….

Intensity? (Inspired by Al)

2005-08-25T07:05:00.000+08:00

Dumbass, I am. Just re-connected with a distant friend and pissed her off straight away in the IM. I am very sorry for what has happened but also glad that she showed her true self. Intensely intense... In any way, I couldn't have known that we do 'click' somehow after 7 some years if I wasn't blogging. The conversation last night was intense and elevating. She blasted away with a semi-auto (mind you, she wasn't even on the full-auto mode yet), and I already had loads of holes on my armor... It was great, not in the sense that I-pissed-her-off great, but she-truly-shows-true-colour great. Wish I could have more (girl)friends like her, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable or tongue-swollen with them.... Most of them (sigh) just do small talks (sad, sad, sad!). Maybe I am just WEIRD, or maybe they scare of revealing themselves too much coz I am an unknown property (thanks, Al) to them, but I just can't bear sitting there small-small talk for 1 or 2 hours, with nothing really being said... Empty shit...
Hmm... come to think of it, it wasn't anyone's fault... There are some people that I can just click right on, and there are some that I never could. There are even some who I hate at first sight (gut feeling which turns out to be right all the time so far). Those I HAFS is jerk with a general star (Yes, Jerk!). But don't worry, HAFS seldom happens. Love at first sight? Nah.... difficult to say. It's not a gut feeling, so it could be wrong. Well, I have always been wrong. Fuck, attracting to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons but I have no regrets whatsoever. No regrets doesn't mean that I will follow the same old path, but means that I am glad for what life has given me. I've learned and am trying to side-step a bit but of course, no promise. It just that life's so unpredictable... BUT I AM DEFINITELY STRAIGHT!!!

Synonyms of Shallow: low, thin, superficial, trivial, petty, small-minded, one dimensional.
Synonyms of Deep: bottomless, profound, unfathomable, subterranean, cavernous, yawning, full of meaning.

What's with this shallow and deep thingy??? I don't know.

Driving a Mercedes is safer than driving a sang Kancil??? How true is that? What's the bloody definition of safe? There's no way you could have escaped if your time is up, right? Well, you might said something like it's been tested, like the damage done to M and K at 60kmh was totally different, that there's nothing left with the K... but life on the road is no lab test or whatever you want to call it... Shit! This issue was elicited by a K wreckage at the roadside... Someone said something like if they were driving a Merc., they'd have survived. What the heck?! If they were driving Merc., think everything would happened as it was? Maybe the driver was cruising at 60kmh in the Kancil, but if he was driving a Merc, maybe he'd be speeding well over 100kmh. Think he'd still survived?
Whatever... lives lost... no use thinking about it.

Will continue later (if I have the mood)...

Junk Mail

2005-08-23T12:15:00.000+08:00

Slow day, isn't it? Mine is.
Received an e-mail from a sale exec. in my company. The content is something like below:

********************
This message was sent with High importance.

Hi,
Dear All,
FYI.... (Just in case somebody doesn't understand: FYI stands for 'for your info')

Regards,
XXX (the sales exec.)
YY Company (my company)

Original Message
From: ZZZ, TT Company (our customer)
To: XXX, YY Company
Subject: Forecast For Part 1234

Dear XXX,

Fyi,

Below is the forecast provided by our customer, kindly do your neccesary arrangement for it.

PRODUCT - Part 1234

QTY : ## K pcs
FOR : @@ (month) '05

Pls take note that this is only the forecast which is given by our customer, if there's any changes on the qty consumption we will not bear the responsibility to accept all the goods.

Pls feel free to contact me if there's any unclear info.

Thank you.

Best regards,

ZZZ

**********************
If you receive this kind of e-mail, what do you do? What kind of arrangement that you need to make? Does it make any sense? You would probably be thinking something like FUCK! GAVE US FOOD BUT TIE OUR HANDS BEHIND THE CHAIR COZ THE COOK IS NOT GOING TO BEAR ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF WE HAVE DIARRHEA AFTERWARDS. The whole thing is like a junk mail to me, like a 'read and forget' kind of mail. Even reading 'Playboy' will be more satisfying. At least you can do SOMETHING about your excited state (okay, i'm exaggerating here, so what... who cares).
However, the info given is to let us source for the raw material (repeat: RAW MATERIAL ONLY and I found this out from someone else) and we have an agreement with the customer that any raw material ordered based on forecast will be their liability if the forecast is not accurate.
What I don't understand is that this XXX, working in our company for almost 3 years and still hasn't learn anything about internal communication. I am not generalizing the job responsibilities of every sales in every company and I know that their main priority is to get sales. BUT can't XXX read the mail again and see what other people gonna read when they receive this mail?! All XXX got to do is add another sentence like this info is for raw material preparation. IT IS JUST THAT SIMPLE and everybody involved would have saved the phone bills and time to clarify the whole fucking issue.
What a fuck-up. If someone ask, XXX'll be infuriated like that someone doesn't understand english. So what did I do? Decided to forward the mail to the UP UP SIT BEHIND THE DESK PERSON, telling him that I'll be scratching my head and balls if I ever receive this kind of email again (LOL!!!!) and that is gonna take what... 20 minutes off my working hour. So for those who communicate with e-mail, please or try your best to make sure that the info. you send out is as clear and precise as possible before you click on 'SEND'.

$ Fraud!

2005-08-18T07:35:00.000+08:00

Received an email from a woman who claimed that her late husband had left her US$10.5millions in a joint account in the following bank:

Cofipa Investment Bank
Finance, Clearing & Investment Banking
Rue Botreau Toussel & Av. Delafosse - Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire
Tel: 00 225 057630 85
Fax: 00 225 070 855 75
Dr. Maxwell Carter - Bank Manager
Email: operations@cofipainvestmentbanque.org

the only way to withdraw the money is to have the bank transfer the money to her late husband's business partner, in this case, me! then she will proceed to ask for your full name, contact number and mailing address in a bloody form which you are supposed to e-mail it to the bank manager for confirmation. after the money is transferred, you will get 40% of the total amount. wow... 40 fucking %. imagine all the things that you can do with this money. you'll be fucking rich, right? wrong! this is an advance fee fraud...

for more details, please visit http://www.gov.im/fsc/ , website of the Financial Supervision Commision in a fucking country (forget which one already).

this is my first time being targeted, so it's kinda pissing me off. if anyone of you receive this e-mail, please reply the email with 'YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF AND I HAVE FORWARDED ALL YOUR MAILS TO fsc@gov.im . GOOD LUCK LADY!'

bloody fucker got nothing better to do. should advise her/him/they to watch Ocean 11... all the information included in the email can be verified... which is false of course. Dr. Maxwell Carter... my arse!

Excerpt...

2005-08-13T13:17:00.000+08:00

Jean: Hello?
Jack: Hello? Not yet sleep?
Jean: No, and why aren’t you asleep?
Jack: What time is it? Oh, 12am… tomorrow’s public holiday. Got a chance to stay up late… hehe…
Jean: Oh, no wonder…
Jack: How was your day?
Jean: Fine…
Jack: Still sick? Seen doctor yet?
Jean: Yeah, it’s ok. Came back early to rest.
Jack: Do you drink a lot of water?
Jean: Work lah… how to drink a lot of water?
Jack: Keep a bottle in your car….
Jean: Hey, I work as a sale, meeting people. How to drink water, but I drink some lah.
Jack: Okay, fine…
Jean: How was your day?
Jack: Same, nothing much happened.
Jean: So, why called me suddenly yesterday?
Jack: Don’t know. Just called… thought of calling, that’s all…
Jean: Hmm… you know what, I had porridge just now and I am hungry now.
Jack: Get something to eat…
Jean: Biscuit, I only have biscuit but I’m also having a sore throat…
Jack: Nah, can’t eat biscuit… Campbell mushroom soup?
Jean: Not that.
Jack: Then get yourself milo, milk, that kinda stuff?
Jean: Nevermind…
Jack: So, how’s your life, really?
Jean: Great, except for the sore throat… and I don’t go to the gym anymore.
Jack: Why?
Jean: Hurt my knee. Doc told me to stop for a few months… I’m putting on weight!
Jack: Aww… please... Take up swimming lah… you don’t need to put so much stress on your limbs.
Jean: I don’t know how to swim…
Jack: You don’t?
Jean: No.
Jack: Oh, I see… Seeing any guy?
Jean: Yeah, he’s a PR in Australia.
Jack: Australian PR?
Jean: Yeah, I got to know him through a friend.
Jack: Oh… long-distance relationship…
Jean: He’s going back to Australia soon, and you know what, we have been seeing each other for only 6 months, 3 months as friend, and then 3 months together. Can you believe that?
Jack: Why not? But six months and now he’s going back…. Hey, pack things up and go with him lah.
Jean: Are you crazy? We are just being together for 3 months. You want me to leave everything behind and go with him? I can’t…
Jack: Why not?
Jean: I don’t trust him…
Jack: Huh?! Don’t trust him and you can still be together?
Jean: How should I put it? He’s a mama’s boy. I don’t trust him because he’s unreliable. Unreliable in the sense that he… you know what, he’s been MIA three times already since we know each other.
Jack: What happened?
Jean: There was one time…. He told me that he was going out to drink with his friend in KL, and I asked him to SMS me when he gets back, told him to be careful especially driving after drinking, and you know what he said… don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen to me. I hold an Australian license. Can you imagine that?!
Jack: Australian license…. So what?
Jean: Exactly! And he didn’t SMS me. I was sick worried about him… no SMS, no phone call, nothing. So I asked my friend to find him for me. The friend said ok and then called me up later to say that he’s ok.
Jack: mmm..maybe he’s knocked out…
Jean: He could be in an accident or locked up in jail… He called me up later and I was so angry with him… I trust he won’t berfoya-foya outside but he’s just not reliable in other things. And I hate it when he messed up my place…. Give him three days, that’s all he needs… when he left for KL, I have to do spring-cleaning…
Jack: Aww… can’t be that serious…
Jean: Serious…
Jack: Hahaha… train him up.
Jean: I am. I forced him to wash dishes… he doesn’t even know how to do the smallest house chore. Can you imagine if his mum knows that I am abusing her son that way? Hahaha…
Jack: So why together?
Jean: He’s funny for one thing. He’s like a big teddy bear. Comfortable to be with… you know I always wanted someone to take care of me, a manly guy but he’s not… he’s a big teddy bear… I don’t know. I can’t promise anything once he’s gone back. My friend told me to say that…. If he finds someone there, well, go ahead. If I find someone else here, I’ll do the same, but I can’t say it.
Jack: Of course you can’t. And once you say something like that, he’s going to, even if he’s a guy, he will take a step back and re-consider the whole thing… well, I don’t know. Maybe he will, maybe not… I am not him… can’t judge him.
Jean: Well, maybe we can make a deal like if we haven’t found someone else after a certain period of time, we can get back together.
Jack: A deal? Can you?
Jean: Yeah, why not? Like if I am 35 years old and single, and you are like 38 years old and not married, we can get together…
Jack: No, I can’t… I mean I can’t do that with any woman… shit… a deal?! Like a business deal? No way…
Jean: Okay lah.
Jack: So, good life eh? Good career-earning more than me, attached and free… not bad.
Jean: Yeah, but I got depressed sometimes. Can’t sleep at night, having nightmares, broke down…
Jack: Really? Why? You seem to be enjoying your life…
Jean: Yeah, I enjoy my life… get to buy what I want but I have tuned down. From three credit cards to one… seldom go out anymore, even stay at home during weekends.
Jack: So why can’t you sleep?
Jean: I don’t know. A lot of things on my mind. That’s why I prefer to work, work, work. Tired, but then sleep better.
Jack: Is that good? I don’t think so. You are like what… if I don’t call you tonight, you’d be doing your paperwork until the time to got to bed? What kind of life is that? Don’t you have other things to do? Like sweep the floor, mop the floor… hahaha…
Jean: Please…. I got no choice. I have to be prepared for my work tomorrow. I want everything in my control.
Jack: Please… not everything is in our control. Ok, maybe work, you want to be in control but not everything, not every time. Say, you’re late for an appointment, but stuck in a traffic jam… so? You get frus? What’s the point?
Jean: ….
Jack: Learn to let go… you prepare for your work is okay but just learn to let go. You’ll feel better. And do something at least once everyday for yourself besides work… like shopping…
Jean: Shopping? Window shopping? Hey, I’m trying to tune down leh… I don’t know. I don’t even have a hobby.
Jack: Get one.
Jean: We’ll see…
Jack: What I am trying to say is be true to yourself… can’t sleep at night? You are not happy… that’s a statement. If you really like the job, okay, fine, by all means, go ahead and be successful… but if you think you like to be like someone else… like he’s got a big house, I want that. He’s got a big car, I want that too… you know, you’re like… like…
Jean: Imitating?
Jack: Something like that. It’s just not what you truly want. Like you are living someone else’s life.
Jean: I just want to be happy…
Jack: Who doesn’t? Who doesn’t? Tell me, I’m going to whack his head.
Jean: Hahaha…
Jack: You know, before anything can really begin, you must know yourself first. Really know what you want for life, then, only then you can begin your life… Shit! I must be getting old, talking to you like that.
Jean: Hahaha…
Jack: Anyway, I think you should take it slowly… and open up those windows, let some fresh air comes in… no wonder you are sick.
Jean: Hey, if I open up the window, there’ll be dust all over the place.
Jack: So? Please… it won’t kill you. Okay, you abuse yourself in your own way, I’m abusing myself in my own way… hahaha… I got nothing to say…
Jean: Hahaha…. What time is it?
Jack: Hmm… 1:30am… you’re working tomorrow right? Get some sleep.
Jean: Okay, goodnight.
Jack: Goodnight.

Same Shit, Different Day...

2005-08-10T10:30:00.000+08:00

arrgghh...! working life sucks... same kinda shit everyday. got a new superior who is a long-winded s.o.b... believe it or not, he can spend an hour for a 5 min. issue (well, at least it was a 5 min. issue to me)... wasting my time! like we don't know what we are doing... sigh... just can't stand him. some might say that i need to adjust myself but heck, i'm already used to the snap the finger type of decision making... this fellow doesn't even dare to make decision on his own. what the hell... am i bitching?! screw him.... he just get into my nerves these days.
wondering if there are people out there who face the same problem. anyone got any cure? kick me in the arse if i am wrong... who cares.

went to the new plant which we are shifting to... renovation started this morning. i'm supposed to be happy and feel excited about it coz it gives operation a bigger space, and all that... but shit! have to stuck in traffic jam everyday. enough of my work...

quite free today, so visited Vanadium's blog... and there is this name 'Elaine' in his blog... click on it and then all of a sudden, found myself covering my mouth (to prevent myself from LOL) and kicking my legs (to release all the energy from my excited state). damn funny! got hooked just reading her latest post. so read thru her whole blog... she even read tom clancy's. damn... must find a way to link to her blog... now i'm all red-eyed... damn tired. need to thank her for all the fun i had this afternoon.

believe it or not, i'm addicted to meditation! should i call it that??? don't know and don't care... but sitting like that really feel good even for 20 min. but after a glass of VSOP... what the hell... but who cares, it feels damn nice. shit.. must stop this before meditation...

got a call from Jo. asked me what kind of woman that i'd like to have as a girlfriend. what kind of woman? hell, wish i knew. can we really list out all the qualities that we like in someone? or accept them as who they are? definitely accept them as who they are, not who i think they can be. who they can be really depends on both of the couple. grow together... mentally and emotionally... as one entity... inseparable... am i lying to myself? do i really feel that way? can i really tolerate all her weaknesses and make them as my own? can i be a rock in a storm and let her lean on? can i turn my head inside out to do something special for her sometimes? can i make her feel loved and cherished after long years of marriage? love has no pride...how truth is it? what is love? what is pride? do they really separable, or is it just the way it is...? do you really have no pride, no pride at all when you are in love? has anyone focus on the moment when they first attracted to each other during their fight? or focus on who's right, who's wrong?....('please stop... i love you'. think the person next to you will listen, i mean REALLY LISTEN!) is it all just me feeling this way?! fuck... there goes my mind again. somebody shoot me!

anyway, if i were to list out... she will be a woman who is full of life and joy....

eh... where am i now??? drifted away... (again!)

must get back on the sofa and meditate.... maybe my mind will come out with a number to buy toto tomorrow... hahaha.....

Dogs.

2005-08-08T01:22:00.000+08:00

just brought my dog to the vet for neutering... what a way to live life.... i left him there and went for breakfast... guess what... i'm sick worry abt him... btw, for those ppl out there, if you ever get a puppy just because it looks sooooo..... cute and hug-able or your girlfriend/kids think so, think again... dun just bought it and after the oh-so-cute look disappears, you throw it out of your house...

keeping a dog's like having a kid. you'll have a lot of responsibilities... taking care of its food and health, play with it, keep it safe and warm (or cool if it's of those long-haired types), exercise.... the list goes on and on... try it, i dare you.

oh, it has its own good points... like i have to take him for a walk every morning/evening, let him pee and mark his territory.. stuff like that... even when it's drizzling, even when it's fucking sunday (should be sleeping until noon!), even when there are other things more tempting to do.... i just have to take him out for a walk... he demands it. if not, he's going to get your attention in his own ways. i? i get to haul my ass off the bed and do some exercise...

he gives you love, unconditional love... he defends you... he licks your hands or face (if he could reach that height), he gives you trouble, makes you laugh and angry at the same time, he's stupid but cute, he's full of life, and when it's mating season, he really howls like a wolf... hahaha...

but that's my dog... dun know about yours... just dun blame them when they get into trouble coz that's their nature unless you've trained them well. if you want to blame, blame yourself for not considering their size when they're fully grown, the amount of time and money that you're going to spend to have a healthy, obedient and happy dog, the space they need, which group they belong to (the characteristics) that is going to suit your lifestyle...etc...

Toy group - chihuahua, maltese, shih-tzu etc...

Sporting group - golden retriever, labrador retriever, pointer etc...

Working group - german shepherd, mastiff, rottweiler etc...

do some research first - there is a lot of reference books and think carefully... if you can't commit, dun get a dog, get a cat instead... cats are more independent (like teenagers, maybe.....)

and dun ever get a dog because you are lonely. bad decision coz a dog will never relieves you from the loneliness.

Friday... My mind... Crazy... Piece of shit-post!

2005-08-06T10:11:00.000+08:00

Friday... everybody loves Fridays... the beginning of weekends but not me... there are always urgent orders from customers... what a way to start a weekend... with all the sophisticated hardware/software, think their planning/scheduling will be better but shit happens... (with all types of car, think that the journey will be faster/shorter but shit... traffic jammmmm!!!!!).

Received a sms.... a riddle/puzzle... whatever you want to call it...

letter after f + half of 8 + shadow of q + opposite of d + letter b4 m + middle of sea + 2 into 19th. letter + middle of sun. If u r genious, pls solve n send.

Hahaha... solved it... I am a genious!!! Called her up and all I got is 'idiot...' Oh how she wished that I couldn't solve it... she can mock at me....hehehe...

Anthony: pyscho... hey, where you gonna go with a gun in your hand?!

Pyscho turned and put a bullet in his head: stop being a busy-fuck-body!!!

Err... sorry, side-tracked...

Someone asked me out to have a drink... I rejected... don't want to have a drink tonight... can always drink at home... still got 2 bottles of liquor to finish... anyone? join me? cheers! hey, slow down... or you gonna get hit by alco-bullet train...

Think people ever going to wise up and don't repeat the same mistake(s)? Why do people believe in religions and pay for it... in cash or blood..? Think you can think straight when bad things happen?

Can you hear me when I sing....

You're the reason that I sang...

You're the reason why the opera's in me...

Where're we now?

Still gotta let you know...

A house still doesn't make a home.

Don't leave me here alone.... (hey, that's U2's)

Dreamt of building burning down... and tsunami... escaped from the red faced devil and trying to escape from the dirty green faced liquid monster.... reached the jetty... shit! there's no ferry service! Riiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggggg!!!!!!! Alarm clock... What a dream!

I cried and I cried... there were nights that I die for you baby.....

I tried and I tried to deny your love drove me crazy.... (this one from Bon Jovi)

Believe in God is believe in religion??? Someone please tell me.

What to eat tonight? Still haven't decide yet... Maybe nasi paprik daging + telur dadar + kangkung belacan? Or instant noodle with a can of pepsi? Or maybe secret recipe? Arrrgghhh! Eat also difficult!

Do we ever pay any attention to coincidence? Why such thing happens? Oh, think the word 'coincidence' explains it all? Met a special woman on the same day of another special woman's birthday... 7 and 11... my favorite numbers since young... then all of sudden, we have 7/11 all over the world... and the woman's birthday is on the 11/7... born on the 11th. day of the 11th. month of year 74 (7+4 = 11).... huh????

Hey, stop thinking and start writing....

She...

2005-08-04T12:06:00.001+08:00

saw her a few times during secondary school... her house was just nearby my school... she was dark and thin then but never got the chance to know her... at that time, i would never knew how she would become a special part of my life...
first time talking to her was in 1991... she had changed then... slim and fair...lovely... was working in a shopping center then as a part-timer while waiting for my exam results. she was looking for a greeting card, and asked for my help coz she didn't know which one to choose... she liked those card with a lot of meaningful words... chose one for her and she bought it… from that day on, i was looking forward to meet her again... yeah, she did come back, looking for greeting cards...new year was just around the corner... we exchanged a few words, and she wished me a happy new year before she rushed back to her mother's car. so from that day onwards, we became friends...she seemed to be full of joy and life.. we bumped into each other again and again after that, like it was fated somehow...
1993, i was studying and she... she was an air stewardess in SIA. remembered one time when she was there in our hometown, came looking for me in my school, asked her younger brother to tell me that she was waiting at the school canteen... i was about to go for my lab practice... joined her there and talked for a few minutes and then went for my class. she had a very short haircut one time that year...
time flies.... and i was back out working as a part-timer in 1994... things were hard on me then coz i didn't know which way to go... where my future lied and was so weak emotionally. she... she was a constant in my life. she looked for me when she was not flying... me and my dirty shirts and pants... and she..... a lovely young lady standing beside me... talking... planning where to go after i got off work... teahouse... movies... mamak stalls... just talking.... i was attracted to her deeply by then. never thought it could feel that way.... still remember a dress that she wore... floral patterns... so feminine.... she liked tulips....
wonderful and yet so heart wrenching... i didn't dare to let her know how i felt inside... felt that i wasn't good enough, that she deserved a better guy, the best and perfect one, but just couldn't stop myself from falling in love with her. then she found out the truth from a friend, whom i always confided in. she didn't know things were that bad for me... wrote me a letter... still got the letter with me...all the letters, cards and postcards.... told me that she didn't want to get involved in a relationship yet... reason made known to me and i understood how she felt... she wrote...'if the girl is yours, she's yours eventually'... that her first priority was to continue her studies... which she did in 1995. felt so lost whenever she went off to s'pore...
...then in 1994, i furthered my studies in penang. was in a rush… still remember that i didn’t get to inform her personally… so damn sad… felt like i left her out there in the world all by herself…don’t know why I felt that way… we wrote to each other during my first year in penang...remember one time when i felt strongly that i would received her letter one morning.... so checked the mailbox and there it was.... her letter! was so happy that day. still keep the magnetic phone book in my wallet which she enclosed in her first letter to me in penang. two of her favorite songs, ‘only you’ and ‘heaven’. then she stopped... waited for her letter everyday... didn't have a contact number to keep in touch... knew something wasn't right but just didn't know what it was... was really miserable, and missing her every single moment... somehow, we made contact again after so many months, and knew then that she was going to study in PJ…
year 1995, gave her a call one time when she was just thinking about me... wondering why i didn't give her call for so long… she used to called me ‘mak nenek’ coz I always told her to take good care of herself…like she was a baby… received a postcard from her, asked me to watch ‘forrest gump’ and i watched and wept at the end of the movie… tom hanks’ undying love for his wife at the end of the movie… so bloody touching…chinese new year, one day, we were all at a friend's house... talking and lazing around... good bunch of friends of mine... and she was there with me... shopped for foods together... cooked for her... she helped.... still remember the look on her face... felt so needed, felt that i belonged finally....
days went by and not a single day that i didn't miss her... looking back, i don't know how i’ve survived that... two persons lived separate lives, far apart, seldom talked to each other, and yet i felt strongly for her, missed her everyday, wondered what she was doing then, wondered if she had in any way, any mysterious way, felt me... loved her so so much.... she'd never knew... i was so confused... didn't know what to do... one part of me thought, 'let her go, concentrate on your studies', the other part, 'don't give up, keep the faith...'. (stupid fucking idiot... no courage to take action.... no....no... she deserves more... don't care how i live now, as long as she's happy there.... such and such....)
1996....she changed her hairstyle…. so beautiful in my eyes… then she disappeared again.... deja vu... knew something was wrong again.... and the next thing i knew, she was in UK studying.... that moment, her postcard in my hand, i was completely lost.... some part of me is lost forever... never to be found again.... yeah, i certainly lost something that day and until now, it's not been found yet...
we did e-mailed to each other for a few months and then everything stopped... she never replied, and i think i knew the reason why... but i missed her very much, although not as much as i used to... coz i was beginning to realize one thing and beginning to let go.... beginning to feel attracted to someone else...
1997….. the first chinese new year without her…. she came back for holidays in the middle of the year…went back to my hometown just to see her…she still looked the same… same hairstyle and all… didn’t get the chance to really have a good conversation with her…
she came back in 1998... we met up... pretended like nothing has ever happened... acted like she's a good friend but deep down inside.... 'oh shit! why must God punish me this way?! why do i still feel that way towards her?' but as time went by, we went on with our separate lives.... she worked in JB for a few months and then KL… now... I guess she's in KL ....
still lost that something..... everything just don't feel like the way i felt for her anymore...
is she happy now? i don't know... but i hope she is... happily married, having a good career even though she prefers to be a housewife, having a family, a blissful family like she always dreamt of... hope that she has finally piece together her shattered dreams long ago… she deserves so much more....
and i know now that i've not tried hard enough....

Tough Shit...

2005-08-04T09:12:00.000+08:00

As I Mature….

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy, or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you've finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

Tough shit….

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying...

2005-08-02T02:10:00.000+08:00

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled.
For God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one.
But don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh will kill me.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say.

I don’t like to hide.
I don’t like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator – a honest-to-God creator- of the person that is me if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me, the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

....by Charles C. Finn

Smile & Kisses

2005-07-31T06:28:00.000+08:00

Ever have to wake up your loved one in the morning? I guess a lot of us have done that. Ever give a smile that comes from your heart and soul, at the same time wishing that he/she will have a beautiful day that morning? How many of us have done that? Do so if you never do before coz that's the first thing that they will see when they first open their eyes. That smile will be forever in their mind. It's so beautiful.... I'd never forget it. The smile she gave really made my day that particular morning....
One thing that I always find romantic besides this beautiful smile; kiss your partner every morning after you wake up and every night before you sleep... of course lips to lips... Everyone's doing that? For how long? Think you'll still be doing that after being together for 1 year? Or rushing out of the bed to see who get to use the bathroom first? Life has been hectic and stressful, and we spend half of the day getting through it. Think we can spare a few minutes to smile, kiss and wish... everyday for the rest of our living years.

Introduction

2005-07-31T06:25:00.000+08:00

This blog thingy has been introduced to me by a very good friend of mine, Vanadium, who has shared my life for 4 years and also a blogger. I miss his bike... !!!!
Anyway, I will post anything under the sun as when and what I think I should share with all life-forms... yeah all life-forms...
Will take this post as a memory lane.... back to the times we were hanging together. Vanadium is friendly but sometimes or something he keeps to himself, not even I could enter his inner world. We were studying together and staying in the same hostel... his room was just next to mine. Eventhough I can't remember how we got to know each other but I can tell you, I found him 'repelling'... (hahaha!!!! he's going to be very angry when he read this) and I am sure it was mutual feeling somehow, but not for long... we went to the same courses and soon we got stuck to each other. He and his wacky ideas and I and my bloody mood (oh... I was so blue that first year). I soon found out that we were sharing a lot of things (heart matters) with each other. Basically, we were babes in the woods for all that matters. Still remember the one time when he was heart-broken, we talked for hours and hours... under those circumstances, I also went 'don gyiaow', pouring out my pathetic state of mind... we actually were almost in the same boat... pathetic... but I am glad and still am that I have found a good good friend.
Vanadium, if you are reading this, remember the second year when we spent times in another mate's room. Those were the good years... yappie, chris, disco and UNO!!! And then those babes we fancied.... arrgghh... couldn't get one... hahaha... like i said - pathetic.
Those were the years that I enjoyed most even until now. There were hard times too like stuck in the U during study week before exams.... but.... we were all out for arcade games to enjoy!!!! And the pc game 'Hunter/Hunted', which have kept us up late in many nights. Singing songs and talking about women that we liked/loved in Yappie's room during the 3rd. year had confirmed that we were all MAD about LUV... and so many movies that we have watched together. I am collecting VCDs or DVDs for all those films to watch again except err... some HongKong films....sucks.... Stephen Chow's films were good at that time... I could go on forever about our lives in U. This is only just part of my 4 year life there. Will post some more which involves other U-mates.... enough of lobart Vanadium....hehehe....